Talking to children about their feelings isn’t always as easy as we might think. Sometimes it is hard for us as parents because no one taught us how to do this and it can feel uncomfortable. It can also be difficult because the combination of a young child’s lack of control and their big emotions can often lead them to act in ways that we would rather they didn’t. This can make a considered and rational response to their feelings more challenging.
Children can also get defensive quickly about their feelings because they know when they have done something ‘wrong’ and they don’t want to pause to talk it through because they associate that feeling with being in trouble.
Emotional literacy is something that needs to be learned, just like talking and counting. Our role is to help children:
Recognise their feelings
Recognise what feelings might look like in other people
Learn how to say how they feel
Learn healthy strategies for managing their feelings
Develop self-control
All of this starts with learning about feelings. There are a variety of ways we can help children with this. Here are some tips:
Role model talking about and managing feelings. When children see us owning our feelings and developing strategies for how to manage them, we help them to know it is okay to have those feelings.
Read books about feelings. Some suggestions include:
Where Happiness Begins
When Sadness Comes to Call
Usbourne - All About Feelings
Happy
How are you Feeling Today?
Use cards showing different feelings. There are a variety of different cards out there, some show simple line drawings, others use photos of children. You can simply talk through the expressions, or perhaps play a matching game with them (if you have two sets). Something like a matching game can be effective because it gives your child something to focus on while they are learning about feelings other than just talking about the feelings themselves.
Never force your child to talk about how they feel - feelings are intensely personal and should be shared willingly and freely.
When you do talk about feelings, keep the atmosphere supportive, calm and positive. We want children to associate talking about their feelings with feeling good inside. Always avoid judgement, blame or shame.
Wonder about how characters in books are feeling, and what they could do to help themselves to feel better.
Talk about strategies for how you can manage different feelings. This will look different for different children. Some children need to move, some need to sit still. Some like to talk. Some like to be silent. Focus on being present and connected to help them feel supported.
Create a safe space to go to when they are overwhelmed by their feelings. This could be a den area, for example.
One of the biggest things we can do to support our children with their feelings is to challenge our own narratives around feelings. Many of us were brought up to believe we shouldn’t show our feelings, talk about them too much and that feeling sad or angry is a sign of weakness. It is perhaps the hardest part of supporting our children with their feelings, but starting with developing an understanding of our own feelings and embracing learning how to manage these is a significant first step.