Young children are known for their big feelings. It is an age when their brains have not yet fully matured, and they do not yet have the ability to manage their emotions or have full self-control. These are skills of executive function that actually take until our mid to late 20s to fully develop - so expecting a three year old to have complete control over themselves is probably highly unrealistic.
However, there is a surge in the part of the brain that relates to these skills between the ages of 3 and 5 years. This means we have a great opportunity to start teaching children how to manage their feelings, how to communicate about them, and how to develop tools and strategies to cope with them in a considered way.
In this blog we are focusing on anger - perhaps one of the more challenging of children’s big emotions, and one of the most present.
Children, as all humans do, feel anger. They feel anger when they have to go to nursery and they don’t want to. They feel anger when their sibling takes a toy. They feel anger when they don’t get their needs met as quickly as they would like. They feel anger when they can’t do something they desperately want to do.
One of the most interesting things about children and anger is that they often don’t know that it is okay to feel this particular emotion. This probably stems from the fact they are often told off for the things they do when they experience anger. They may feel shame or embarrassment, and this starts to be associated with feeling angry.
To support their mental health in the future, it is important to help children know that all of their feelings are valid and to help them develop self-awareness of their feelings and needs.
Here are some tips for helping children learn how to manage feelings of anger:
Always make sure they know it is okay to feel the way they do. Remove any sense of judgement from feelings angry. This can be a simple statement such as: “It is absolutely okay to feel angry. It isn’t okay to hit me.”
Model feeling angry and coping with it in a healthy way. You could try saying something like, “I am feeling a little angry right now. I am going to take a moment to do some deep breathing / to squeeze this pillow / to talk to someone.” It is important not to blame children for our anger - we need to own our feelings rather than saying, “You have made me angry so I need some space”.
Show compassion for their feelings, regardless of their way of managing them. We can have compassion for their feelings while still holding a boundary. This will enable them to develop self-compassion, a key part of coping with difficult feelings.
Proactively teach strategies that work for your child when it comes to managing their anger. For some children this might be breathing, for some it might involve movement or exercise.
Read books about feelings and talk about what the characters are experiencing and what they can do to support their feelings.
Validate how they feel, and offer alternatives. “I see you are angry with me and that is okay. I can’t let you throw things because it isn’t safe. Here - try squeezing this cushion / jumping up and down / going outside and throwing a ball.”
By responding in a considered and compassionate way when children experience anger (even when their actions lack self-control) we are teaching them that anger is okay. Knowing anger is okay is the first step to learning how to manage it.