Saying “no” to a child is often a significant trigger for upset, meltdowns and arguments. Does it have to be this way or are there strategies we can use to make things a little easier for everyone?
Saying no can cause issues because children are so intent on what they want to do. Usually they are driven by a developmental need, so when we stop them they get frustrated. A classic example is the car set or buggy. We know we need to use a car seat to help keep them safe. They just feel restricted at a time all they want to be doing is moving.
Young children are also learning how to assert their independence and learning what they can and can’t do. This often leads to no being a trigger for big emotions too!
It’s obviously important that we help children to learn about boundaries, and do what we need to, to keep them safe. However, is it possible to say no kindly and without triggering a big reaction?
Here are some tips…
Start with a “yes”! This may sound odd, but by saying “I see you really want to jump! This isn’t the best place, let’s find somewhere safer” the child knows we have understood what they need in that moment and will help them.
Validate when they are upset because things can’t go as they had hoped or planned. We can empathise and validate with kindness while still holding the boundary.
Wait until they are calm before offering too much reasonable explanations - validate first to help them feel calm and move into rational conversation once they are calmer and ready to engage.
Truly empathise - we might see what they are upset about as something small, but to young children it really matters. If we empathise they feel heard and understood, and are more likely to manage being told ‘no’ more easily.
Save ‘no’ for when it really matters - if we use it too much, children switch off!
As with all things, try to remain calm! When we share our calm and help children regulate their feelings, we are supporting them now and in the future.
Staying calm and grounded ourselves can make a huge difference to how a “no” conversation goes. When we remember that this is difficult for our child, that they are not doing anything to intentionally upset us, but that they simply feel overwhelmed with their emotions…it becomes just that bit easier to find our own sense of calm.