Children are curious. They are filled with wonder, enthusiasm, and many, many questions. Most of the time, as adults, we love this quality. But, there are those times when children’s questions stray into territory that we feel less comfortable with. They might ask questions about where babies come from, about different family structures, about what death means, and about different belief systems such as religion.
It is easy to panic when this happens - we are put out of our comfort zone and into fear. Fear of saying the wrong thing, of giving false information, of giving too much information, and of not giving enough information! Children are generally just searching for fairly simple answers. They are looking to understand what we think and believe. They are often - at the toddler and preschool stage - looking for ‘what’ not ‘why’. When they repeatedly ask ‘why’ it is more likely they are looking for more reassurance, rather than different information.
It is important we try to embrace children’s questions and commit to the potentially difficult conversations that might arise. We need to remember that usually these conversations are far more difficult for us than they are for the child! They are looking for information, but we have a lifetime of experiences which mean we attach emotions of grief, loss and fear to these topics. While we might be keen to save our children from these emotions for as long as possible, the chances are that secrecy, lack of authentic discussion, and a sense of the unknown are all more scary for them than simply giving them the information they are looking for.
The top tips for handling tricky topics are as follows:
Be authentic and honest. You can be honest without giving too much complex information. If in doubt, stick with basic facts, for example - “When someone dies, their body stops working, they can’t move or breathe, or feel and they can’t come back and see us again.” Another example might be, “A baby is made from sperm and egg. Men have sperm and women have eggs. Different families make babies in different ways. Some families have a mummy and a daddy. Some families have one mummy or daddy. Some families have two mummies or two daddies.”
If you don’t know, that’s okay. It’s okay to say, “We are not totally sure what happens when someone dies…some people believe in a place called Heaven. This is what I think happens (explain briefly) - what do you think might happen?”
Acknowledge different beliefs - it’s always okay to explain that different people think and believe different things. This opens children’s minds to being accepting and non-judgemental about other people's points of view. It is often helpful to tell them your view, and to ask them what they think.
Use books to support your conversations and as a springboard for discussion.
Use the correct terminology for topics such as death and body parts. Enabling children to use the correct words for body parts is a protective factor in situations where abuse might occur and is also empowering for them in becoming comfortable with their bodies as they grow. Using phrases such as ‘passed away’, or ‘gone to a better place’ can be confusing for a child. It is advised to say that someone has ‘died’ and help them to understand this means the person can’t come back.
Reassure children they can ask you about this as many times as they want to - if they have received new information they may want lots of reassurance about what they have learned.
Having difficult conversations with children can be incredibly rewarding. We face our own fears, and support them to become more comfortable with potentially tricky topics and situations. There is sometimes a sense that children should be left to be children, and not need to have these conversations.
But the reality is that they come into contact with all of these topics - and their associated emotions - whether we talk to them about them or not.
Our choice isn’t about whether they know about these things - they do know about them. Our choice is whether or not we choose to offer them honest information that they can trust, and the opportunity to ask questions to help them feel empowered, knowledgeable and less uncertain.
This blog was brought to you by the team of early childhood experts at Kids Love Nature. We have four outstanding kindergartens across Dorset and Hampshire which focus on connecting children to nature.